


Not Everyone Can Be Saved

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25520029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: Not everyone can be saved. Luckily for me, I don't want to be. - Merlin has trouble dealing with the stress in his life. He thinks he found a way, though it destroys him even more. Soon, even this stops working.
Kudos: 6





	Not Everyone Can Be Saved

~~ I sit on the floor of my room. The door is locked, the windows are shut and drawn. Now that I’m closed off from the world, the weight I constantly carry with myself is too much. The tears fall, but I can hardly feel the twin streams. The chaos in my head is all-consuming. My words. Their words. HIS words. I’m no longer able to take it. I look at the object in my hand. The smooth steel of my blade glistens in the faint light of my room. I raise it to my wrist. With a single slash, I see the dripping red. I do it again. Again. Again. Again! I move the blade to my other hand, the one that is now dripping with my blood. I repeat the actions on my other wrist. Already, my head feels light. My vision swims. I close my eyes and allow my mind to banish the voices. Even my voice ceases. Not everyone can be saved. Luckily for me, I don’t want to be.~~  
XXX  
~~My eyes open, and I immediately curse. I look at my wrists. The blood is still on my arms, but it has long been dried. My wounds are already healed partially. I know that the only reason I’m alive right now is my magic. I come to a realization. I’m still alive, but… it’s as if my weight has lessened; like it flowed out of my body with my blood. I can still protect Arthur.~~  
XXX  
“MERLIN!” yelled Gaius. “You’re going to be late!”  
Like every morning it seemed, Gaius was yelling for the young warlock to wake up. After Merlin realized he didn’t need to die to lessen the burden, he wasn’t as sad as before. However, that didn’t mean he was okay. Far from it, really. That hadn’t stopped Merlin from pretending any other day. He forced his usual grin onto his face and ran off to serve his king.  
XXX  
“WHERE WERE YOU, MERLIN?!” Arthur yelled at him as he placed the king’s breakfast in front of him.  
“Tavern?” Merlin lied, using a usual excuse.  
“In the morning?!” exclaimed Arthur.  
“Yup,” he agreed.  
“I wish I could have you sober up in the stocks, but I think your time would be better spent mucking out the stables!” Arthur punished.  
“Yes, Sire,” Answered Merlin.  
XXX  
~~I sigh inwardly. Arthur always believes the tavern lie. Well, that, or at least he never cares enough to find out the truth.~~  
XXX  
~~Merlin is such an idiot! Will he ever be able to do anything right?! How did I ever end up with such an incompetent manservant?!~~  
XXX  
It seemed like it took an eternity for Merlin to muck out the stables.  
“I’m so glad that’s finally over,” Merlin thought to himself.  
Merlin re-entered Arthur’s chambers with the king’s lunch. As soon as he stepped in, a pillow came flying at him.  
“How long does it take to muck out some stables?!” Arthur ridiculed.  
“Sorry, Sire,” Merlin replied, sighing inwardly.  
“Sorry?! Is that all you really have to say?! My armor needs polishing, my boots need to be fixed, and my shirts need to be washed!” Arthur continued.  
“I’ll get right on that, Sire,” Merlin said back, not really feeling up to arguing with the king.  
“You better!” was yelled back at him.  
XXX  
~~ I’m in my room again. The door is once again locked, and the curtains are drawn again. I think back on what happened during the day. Ever since Arthur became king, everything’s changed… He’s starting to become cruel… almost like… Uther. No. I can’t even think of that. I once again hold the blade to my wrist. Slash. Slash. Slash. The blood starts to drip again. Slash. Slash. Slash. I can still hear him! Slash. Slash. Slash. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!~~  
XXX  
When Merlin awoke, he found it hard to stand. He uttered a spell to clean the blood and re-shut his eyes for a moment. He carefully rose to his feet and began to get ready for the day, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t smile. He just couldn’t. Merlin just had to hope that no one would notice. It was lucky, he supposed, that Arthur was too busy yelling at him to tell if he was smiling or not.  
It was like this for quite a while. A cycle of heavy weight crushing him and relieving it with a blade became his life. Merlin came so close to losing it so many times, but just barely managed to hold onto his sanity.  
XXX  
~~ I awake in my chambers. Suddenly, I’m hit with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know that I’ve been mistreating Merlin a lot lately, but I’ve just felt so stressed lately. I can’t help but snap at him. He thinks I don’t notice how he just agrees with me now, how he’s stopped smiling. I make up my mind. I’ll treat him better and apologize the very next time I see him. I swear. ~~  
XXX  
~~I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. No matter how many times I cut now, the weight doesn’t lift. I raise my blade again. Slash. Please! Slash. I can’t deal with this anymore! Slash! Slash! I let out a small sob, but cover my mouth immediately. I won’t let Gaius hear me. Slash! I can’t take it! If simply slitting my wrists won’t bring me relief, then I have no choice! I clean up and cover my arms. It won’t stop the blood, but it’ll stop people from seeing it long enough. I exit my room. It’s quite early, so most of Camelot isn’t awake yet. I make my way to one of the highest towers in Camelot. A ‘fall’ from the top of this tower will kill anyone, even me. I start to make my way up the stairs. Step. Step. I’m almost there. Step. Step. I’m at the window. I open it. My tears start to fall. They won’t stop! They won’t stop!~~  
XXX  
~~ I leave my chambers, intent on finding my manservant. Within minutes of my search, I find him climbing the stairs. I follow, somewhat cautiously, because he doesn’t seem to be acting normal. I watch as he opens the window at the top of a tower and starts to cry. In horror, I see him try to climb out.~~  
XXX  
“NO!!!!” Arthur yelled as he grabbed the back of Merlin’s shirt, forcing him away from the window. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!”  
Merlin looked at him, shocked, but didn’t say anything. His body felt frozen. That was when Arthur saw the blood that had begun to seep through his shirt.   
“Merlin? Merlin?! MERLIN!!!” the king called frantically.  
The young warlock’s eyes closed.  
“I guess I cut myself enough this time…,” thought Merlin as he faded away.  
The king kept shaking his manservant and calling his name, but to no avail. The blood kept spreading. Arthur picked Merlin up and ran to Gaius, but he could feel him growing colder. He already knew before Gaius told him. He had stopped Merlin from jumping, but… not everyone can be saved.  
THE END.


End file.
